I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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