Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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