she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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