i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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