I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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