Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
