am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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