I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
