My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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