I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
