I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
