Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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