He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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