Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
