What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
