do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
