remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
