your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
