I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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