Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
