I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
