i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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