i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
