Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
