I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
