...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
