I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
