nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
