he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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