I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
