Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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