So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
