New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
