If that was your dad, he is hot
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
