you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
