im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
