just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
