I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
