Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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