yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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