He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
