guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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