I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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