I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
