How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just tell him i said nine months
he shaved USA in his pubs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
