So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
