The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
