you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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