Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
