The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My life is pants optional.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
